So, here we are. Better late than never, right?  I know I promised a post explaining "Bingo Arms", and we will get to that in this post but first things first.  Boy it has been an interesting few days on   Our Beach.  Asshats, crabs, and cold!!!  Asshats you ask?  Yes, asshats... THIS DOUCHE who fishes where people are swimming. Rude much? Is he blind? Can he NOT see the people on the beach and in the ocean? Isn't there some rule that states "Douches and asshats are only allowed to fish in certain areas and at specific times?" My podmate almost swam into one of his lines--she had a "mission impossible" moment where she finished swimming and came up and there in front of her eyes was the fishing line.  Cue theme music...for a woman of size she suddenly felt very stealthy and cat burglar-like.  I loudly commented on the stupidity of some people but this guy was so dense he didn't get it.  Not only that but he had the nerve to keep recasting his two poles.  Yeah, TWO.  Because having only one large pole in the water wasn't enough...overcompensating for something?  FYI: Didn't catch anything!!  Perhaps that was because we "warned" the fish in the area through a series of specially coded splashes and noises.  Marine animals communicate with one another, ya know!!  Besides, we suspect he was illegally whale fishing and everyone knows if you wanna catch a Maine Whale you bait the hook with cheesecake.

And speaking of marine animals, not one but two attack crabs aggressively approached my fluke this morning!!  With much floundering and panicked soundings, I was able to successfully avoid their fierce grasp, warn my podmate, and head out to deeper waters.  It was close. A little too close-- a call the marine animal rescue hotline kinda close.  SO, here's a piece of advice to all you folks out there: Stay away from crabs.   Stay away from crabs because no matter what, they are bad news.
1. They aren't kosher.
2. They pinch!!!
3. They are the kind of gift that keeps on giving that no sane person wants to get.  They are like fruitcake at Christmas (of course, this third one is all supposition as we don't have experience with these sort of crabs).

Cheeky-asshole crab (he's the lookout)

C

Here we see the "Belligerent, "Are you looking me?" crab.

Attack Crabs!!!!

The aftermath of the attack crabs. Oh the horror!!

NO. JUST NO. (this is the shit of our nightmares, and now yours. You're welcome.)

  

Okay, so now that we've got that outta the way, we move on to the weather.  So, we've had some weather issues and this has affected the water temperature.  It has been a tad agonizing lately, swimming in the ocean.  The air temp has ranged from mid fifties to high sixties with a snappy ocean breeze (must be related to the crabs)! This is kinda chilly for late June and early July, even here in the arctic tundra of Little Canada, I mean Maine.  The water temperature at 5AM is generally about 57 degrees.  Pretty bad though, when the ocean is warmer than the air.  We lost the sensation in our fins and flukes pretty early on....I am pretty sure that is the only reason we have been able to swim for an hour or more lately.

I'm not saying it's cold but this guy was down on the beach today.

Selfie!!

Now, what everyone has been waiting for....BINGO ARMS!!!!  What are bingo arms, you ask? Well, first, I must be honest.  I didn't coin the term myself.  That credit goes to someone else.  Here is the definition according to UrbanDictionary.com: Bingo arms contain a mass of flabbage near the armpit. When jarred or jostled, the fat tends to move back and forth in the opposite direction. The excitement of winning bingo at seniors night will prompt an increase of noticeably of these babies.  So, everyone reading this, pull up your shirtsleeve.  Take a critical look at your upper arm.  You know, the area where the doctor puts the blood pressure cuff.  Are you looking?  Well, hold your arm at a 45-90 degree angle and give it a little shake.  Do you see any wobbling going on? That my friends is a bingo arm.  Here are some examples of bingo arms.  I hope you enjoy.

What did I win? What did I win? Hopefully an arm lift.

That's all for now. We hope you enjoyed it. Stay tuned for the next blog post from Two Beached Whales.

This is not a FLUKE...aren't we punny???? :)

****WARNING! THIS BLOG IS NOT FOR THOSE WITH A WEAK CONSTITUTION****


     This blog is called A Tale of Two Beached Whales for a reason.  We are two ladies looking to lose the blubber that has accumulated over the years.  Our hope is to amuse, encourage, and vent the frustrations that will surely rise to the surface during our journey.  While we are serious about making these lifestyle changes with the hope of achieving better health, we have a sense of humor that some may not appreciate or understand but it is not our intent to belittle or deride ourselves or others.  This blog will be an exercise in chronicling the ups and downs of changing bad habits and focusing of self-care.  Also, please note, we are very sarcastic, kinda bitchy, with a dash of judgey (I know it's not a real word, but this is my blog and on here it's a word, a real word).  Hey it happens when your chubby, so deal with it. 

     So there we were, walking up the path to our beach. You know, OUR BEACH. Suddenly, we spied an interloper. Who on earth has the unremitting gall to intrude on OUR BEACH?  The first of many intruders has reared it unwanted and ugly face on OUR BEACH!!!  Tourist season is upon us. That is a small matter though because we are two ladies on a mission.  We are ready to get our flukes wet! We are in search of our inner mermaid.  We still aren't quite sure if we just swallowed her accidentally or if she somehow just got trapped and lost under a thick layer of blubber.  Either way, we have got in touch with our inner echo location devices (from the dolphins we may or may not have swallowed) and we will find that mermaid and she will love us like Augustus Gloop in the chocolate factory.
     I am certain (because I tend to be a tad paranoid) that the locals will video us someday without our knowledge and we will end up on YouTube while the videographer snickers his/her head off at the Two Beached Whales frolicking in the surf.  What looks like serious swimming to us probably appears to be more like the flailing and thrashing of cetaceans in mortal distress.  No matter, we are out there moving, when we could be inside couch potatoing and growing paler by the day.  Braving the ocean and all it's perils daily we will grow stronger, more streamlined, and more hydrodynamic, kinda more dolphin like than whale like. Everyone loves a dolphin.  Dolphins are so bloody cute and they have that little giggle noise they make that makes people smile without even realizing it.  So, why do we swim in the ocean?  Well, we will get into that next time.  Bahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!  That's right, I'm an evil whale.